Roman Holiday, Part Due: Happy Birthday to Me

I got some great advice from Ty's mother before we left, and that was to get tickets to museums and other attractions on the internet before going in order to avoid the queue (what we call "a line" in the States). So in thinking about what I wanted to do for my actual birthday, July 17th for those of you who've not yet marked it on your annual calendars, I decided that was as good a day as any to get back to my roots and go to the Vatican. So a couple days before we left for Rome, I bought tickets to go to the Vatican museum. Christine's advice to get the ticket ahead of time was priceless. Our scheduled entrance time was for noon. We left Casa Linnea which was about 10 blocks away at 11 o'clock. We took the longest route possible for those 10 blocks, then instead of the Vatican Museum, we first went and stood in the entrance queue for St. Peter's Basilica. They are different places and I didn't know this. So at 11:45 we reached the front of the queue for St. Peter's and the guy trying to sell us a headset for the guided tour finally realized we were in the wrong damned place. Did I mention that it was about 100 degrees out and there were approximately a million people there that day? The look on the guy's face said it all: we were screwed. We had to walk around a big large block, and as we got closer, the queue started coming into view. I decided that we shouldn't get in the line, we already had tickets. This was the right decision. There were probably 1,000 people in the queue, and with those tickets we were escorted to the very front of the line. Thank you Christine!

Now before anyone reads further I want to write a disclaimer. If you are sensitive about religion and God and all that nonsense...READ NO FURTHER. This is my blog and I can write what I want to on the internet. I'm not trying to offend anybody. I just think it's all bullshit and I have very little reverence for it. So if in reading this you will be inspired to offer complaints, tirades, or suggestions for my redemption, STOP READING NOW. I consider you fully warned and I'm going to be pissed if I start getting nasty comments about this blog entry.

So the Vatican Museum. Basically what I got out of the experience is an art expo that demonstrates that the Catholic Church is the biggest racket in the history of man. There were more priceless paintings, sculpture, frescoes, maps, furniture covered in precious metals, made by the most famous artists concentrated in one place than should be allowed. Because of this, there were the most pushiest, rude, smelliest group of humans who all made pilgrimages from across the globe to be among it. It was like a bunch of cattle, no better than Monfort's meat packing plant for sure when considering all the slaughter that's gone on in the name of God since those twelve apostles got together and decided to spread The Word. I swear, this Spanish-speaking dude even farted by us as Ty and I were taking a rest on a bench. I've never been so blatantly pushed out of the way by more people in my life. And you know what? Karma's a bitch, because I ended up eating right next to the two people who gave me the biggest shoves later on that day for lunch and dinner at two totally separate restaurants, God's honest truth (wink, wink).

We finally made it to the Sistine Chapel, right? After hours of walking through antiquities without air conditioning, with people pushing and farting, and we at last get to see the ceiling frescoes painted by Michelangelo. Now first of all, I again thought the Sistine Chapel was in St. Peter's Basilica. If they would have given out grades in catechism, I guess I would have flunked. Good for me, by the way. But we finally make it to this place of God, where Michelangelo was so inspired that he spent years finishing the ceiling of this very tall chapel on his back suspended on scaffolding, painting the most well known Christian art in history. There are signs EVERYWHERE in all languages saying no pictures and no talking. There are even guards there to enforce this. But do people respect this holy place? Hell no. People were talking at top volume, snapping tons of photos, and once again pushing and shoving their way through. This is not Godly behavior, and one more fact that proves to me religion is man's convention for social control and nothing close to the way to redemption. We had to leave as soon as we got in there because I was so uncomfortable being in an enclosed room with thousands of assholes and no ventilation. Fuck that place.

And here's another gripe about it. Do I believe in any of the dogma? No. Do I have respect for a religion that systematically oppresses women, rapes children, and steals from its faithful? No. But I was in their church, in their museum, so I showed respect by not talking and not taking one picture. I would like to have a photo of Michelangelo's greatest work, who wouldn't? But I wasn't supposed to and so I didn't, which is more than I can say for most of the people there. The Sistine Chapel was the single biggest disappointment so far.

But here's how I know that karma does in fact exist. I'm sitting down having lunch in some air conditioning across the street from the Vatican Museum. And who walks in but this huge old lady who literally shoved me in the back while going through a single-person doorway to exit the Sistine Chapel. Was she really that concerned about losing her group? She couldn't even lose me. So I mean-mugged her something awful and I felt better.

It was then about 4pm, and Ty and I decided we still needed to go see St. Peter's Basilica. So we left the comfort of the air conditioning but didn't make it far before my shoes that I bought and specifically wore 10 times before Europe to break in, broke down in the heat. I can't explain it. They are awesome shoes with great support, but in that heat, my heels started rubbing like a son of a bitch. So, I made my second trip in Rome to the Farmacia for some band aids. Well, this didn't even really help that much. So I decided to suck it up, look like a German, and buy some socks for my sandals. That was my first birthday present, Adidas socks from Foot Locker in Rome. Kinda funny.

The queue at 4 pm on Saturday to get into St Peter's wasn't that long, so our timing ended up working itself out for the best just by chance. The sun was still beating down, however, and at that hour the shade was almost enough to cover the area of the queue...but not quite. So we're waiting to go through the metal detector and the baggage x-ray (how's that for holiness?), and these Indian people decide that they don't need to wait in the sun any longer and cut right in front of us as Ty and I are just about to be relieved into the shade. Well this Italian lady was not having any of that and started having a full blown meltdown at them. Whether or not they understood her words, they certainly understood her message, but did they go to the end of the line? No. They simply waited in the shade for the Italian lady to pass and then cut in front of the people behind her. What fucking assholes?! Another example of religion bringing out the "best" in people all the way around the globe.

So that's enough with the bagging on the Catholic church. I think it's enough for me to say that inside the Basilica it was incredibly beautiful and austere, all visitors must cover their knees and shoulders, "and all the bits in between" according to our Palatine tour guide. There were people there actually for the purpose of praying and giving confession in areas roped off with guards protecting their sanctity to worship there. Bernini's altar was incredible, and the light shown through the top of the dome like a spotlight to the mosaic floors. If only I could have heard the organ being played, I would have been taken back completely to the sentimental childhood place that I have for the Catholic church. But, right outside those roped off places were wooden boxes with slits for an "offering." My thought was that the church should be "offering" $100 bills to all its faithful as penance for ripping them off for 2010 years. Start liquidating some of that artwork in the museum next door rather than asking for an offering.

The final bizarre aspect of St. Peter's Basilica were all the dead people above ground in glass coffins. Yeah, they were popes, but...that's just creepy.

So, I checked off my list Checking in with Catholic Roots for my birthday. It was then time to drink. Our Palatine tour guide had recommended getting a truly delicious meal in the Piazza Campo di Fiori. Of historical note, this is where the philosopher Giordano Bruno was burned alive during the Inquisition for the devil's idea that the earth revolved around a sun. Similar in audacity only to this century's claim that humans descend from apes. It was fitting then, that we head over and enjoy ourselves there. We passed a street fair featuring ping-pong by the Tiber River where I got my first real birthday presents, two beautiful leather purses for the total cost of 40 euro. Hot diggity!

At Campo di Fiori, we sat down at a place called Hosteria Romanica. I hadn't had gnocchi yet, so that's what I ordered, in a tomato sauce that came with meat on the bone (squeamish about that) but delicious anyway. Ty and I were enjoying the large crowd that was gathering in the square complete with fire eaters and singers accompanied by karaoke Eric Clapton and Bobby McFerrin tunes, when who is seated next to us? The other large man that gave me a full on shove at the Vatican. I kid you not, people. That karma...she's a bitch. Well after my carafe of wine, I notice that these two people are speaking Italian, English, and then something else, so I lean over and ask them where were they from? The guy is a real gem and replies, "Guess." That started up a great long conversation with them. Turns out they were from Brazil, and they were also *physicians (in the States they're called radiology technicians), so we had a full discussion about health care disparities the world over. The conversation started lagging so Julio changed the subject and asked me, "That Vatican...it was quite crowded today, don't you agree?" That bastard fucking remembered pushing me out of the way! I could not believe it. I played it cool though...and asked the waiter for the check. I was feeling pretty cool as I was walking past him on my way out, when I caught my toe on a cobble stone and very nearly fell flat on my face right next to him. Karma...what a bitch.